Shit in a jiffy bag..?

Telly isn't all glamour, girls and car chases.. (or am I thinking of The Sweeney??) Sometimes you have fill out a silly amount of paperwork, forms and applications just to be able to do your job properly.

Today I have been told that I will be working at the Labour Party conference in Manchester at the beginning of October. No problem with that. It's my job.

In order to be granted the privilege of access to the conference I have to fill out a media accreditation form so that the nice people in Millbank can send me a plastic card with my name and picture on it and it means that I am no threat to national security or John Prescott.

I don't have a problem with form filling. I don't have a problem supplying a passport sized photograph on a light background showing a neutral facial expression with no reflection on my glasses. But I do have a problem supplying a whole host of personal information for no obvious reason to any political party.



Give us all your details and we still may not let you in...

This form asks for normal things like your name, job title, email address and contact number but it goes on to ask for your National Insurance number, your passport number, driving licence number, your last 3 years worth of addresses and even your personal car details.

Not a work vehicle that you are going to arrive in.

Your own car.

Yes... registration number, make, model and colour. The form even states that they require these details even if you are not going to drive it to the conference.

Am I applying for a mortgage here or a huge bank loan? No. I am going to provide news coverage of a load of geography teachers, Guardian readers and union activists having a week long jolly in Manchester. *I will also write sarcastic things about other parties as and when they annoy me.



Mr Milliband and Mrs Harman up for a right good Manc knees up


I know I need to be checked out for security purposes. I appreciate that, but I hold a UK Press card that is issued by the Association of Chief Police Officers which has all my details. You can even call the number on the back of the card which takes you through to Scotland Yard who can verify who I am and what I do. I also have a valid Criminal Record Bureau certificate showing that I have always been a good boy.

So why do I have to divulge so much personal information to Labour? Look again at the first picture and read the second paragraph. The details will be held on a Labour Party computer system. Why do they need to know so much about me? I'm not a member (of this or any other political organisation).

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't they want to introduce a national ID card to the UK too?

If Big Brother is watching then he can help me hold the jiffy bag while I shit my stool sample into it so they can see if I'm eating the right diet to attend.

KEITH FOR BBC DG

Yes, you read it right.

I want to be the next Director General for the BBC and have today applied for the position. It's about time we had someone at the top who actually likes the BBC and will stand up for all departments, not just news.

Like Mitch Benn, I am proud of the BBC and I don't want it to be consigned to history as a former iconic brand.

I won't take the full salary that this post is entitled to. I'll stop the stupid amount of money wasted by the Corporation and I'll hope to raise the staff morale. I want the BBC to be a fun place to work at again. I want people to aspire to work for the Beeb and more importantly I want the viewers to want to watch the programmes we make and enjoy them.

It won't be a gravy train and some harsh decisions have to be made, but I think I can do it.

If you follow me on Twitter then I'll keep up with my DG election promises using the hastag #keithfordg and I will post more about what I would do over the next couple of blogs.

Is that the sound of Tweeps clicking "unfollow"?

TITANIC ANNIVERSARY

Its 100 years since the Titanic sank in the North Atlantic.

The band played on.

"Do you know we're sinking?" shouted the first officer.

"Piss off," said the Liverpudlian band leader. "We don't do requests."